Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Foggy Thoughts of Blame

I wonder if you’ve thought about it a thousand times, like I have. I wonder if each day is like a thousand days of reflection, like they have been for me. Is this sibling rivalry? Or am I crazy? Psychotic as you say? I find blame in my shame, in my name, a game our parents taught us to play, but blame all the same. The song says "say it loud, say it clear . . . I wish I could have told him in the living years . . . it’s too late when we die." And now I cry. I wrote a thousand poems today, but none made to the paper, none were sharp enough to overcome this mist, to cut this fog of blame.

Pills. More fucking pills. Give him medication, something for his aggravation. You see James we all have our ups and downs. But your ups are WAY up. And your downs are too low. We’re going to give you some medication. Your heart beats twice as fast as the average human’s. Something’s just not right. It’s me you fuck. I’m not right. I should have been a good boy. I shouldn’t have awoken mother. I should have hidden my scars and bruises better. I shouldn’t have told father. That’s why they hated each other. It WAS me. I take it all. If things were better, if I was better, dad would have been at home that night. We would have never been awoke to the news of our father, our superman, dead, never to love us, never to put his hand on my shoulder and say that’s okay son. It’s all going to be okay.

That’s all I have now. I take it all.

12 Comments:

Blogger Mer said...

I think I'd hug you if I could.


Hope you're alright.

2:06 AM  
Blogger Sir James Eric Watkins said...

I think I'd take that hug if I could.

Alright? Yes, I am.

Thank you so much for asking.

You felt it. the pain.

it loves me.

And sometimes I wonder if I love it.

2:36 AM  
Blogger westcoastmama said...

hmm...I guess I got my answer. I'd asked you how you were doing in my blog...now I now. You know how to reach me if you need to.

5:00 PM  
Blogger fineartist said...

Man this is powerful.

The lows suck but the highs are supreme.

The pain, that’s what’s messed up, wonder why we turn into pain junkies when we’re low? Or wonder why some of us turn into pain junkies…

12:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We do love it,....the pain. In my opinion ,...That is why weso easily invite it upon ourselves...It is a learned habit,...I think.

1:23 AM  
Blogger Sir James Eric Watkins said...

Mary, my dear friend, thanks for always being around and for caring.


Fineartist, thank you for reading and, not just hearing but, listening as well.

Kriss, I agree. Be well, and kiss, in my opinion, two very special children for me. Please.

7:29 AM  
Blogger dave said...

tanka you for being you!

di-splayed

guilt harbored safely
flatline approach eases pain
interminable
brought to light through expression
eliminated as named

9:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you James,...You be well also, be good to yourself,....Although this is sometimes a hard task. Kisses are given and returned.

6:32 PM  
Blogger Erin said...

James,
Pain and guilt are addictive, particularly for writers I think. I'm sorry I didn't reply to this earlier, I was selfishly indulging in a big dose of each myself...

Love you
~E

12:02 AM  
Blogger Sir James Eric Watkins said...

love you.

But don't you ever apologize to me again for not commenting. As strange as it may sound to some, I don't have see the words there . . . to hear you.

10:47 PM  
Blogger me said...

I am also one of those who is reachable, Sir James. I don't quite understand this post and yet again, I understand it all too well. The talk directed toward brother. The guilt. The loss of a father: different, yer very VERY similar to my life these last few years.

Whatever you need however and whenever I can.

4:24 PM  
Blogger Sir James Eric Watkins said...

Understand, I know that you do.

Thank you, sir, for your friendship.

4:53 AM  

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